It’s always good to make friends with a rich Juhu person; because chances are that he or she is inheriting an exclusive membership of ‘Juhu Gymkhana Club’ situated in the heart of Juhu, as heart as heart can be. That privileged friend of yours can bring friends from other regions of Mumbai to this exclusive hole, only because he or she had the fortune of growing up in ‘I’m so Posh’ Juhu, unlike lesser ‘I’m so tacky’ Andheri mortals and the likes.
Being surrounded by a Juhu majority isn’t the best feeling on earth
In addition to all the recreational space that this JVPD birth child has to offer, this place also houses two bars for the elite Juhu drunk fucks, one of which is temporarily dysfunctional because its caterer recently faced the axe. As luck would have it, we ended winding up at the more un-interesting of the two bars. It’s called Aqua.
Aqua, and by that I mean even Juhu Gymkhana Club, is FOR the people of Juhu, OF the people of Juhu and BY the people of Juhu. It’s like a fucking democracy being governed by members of the Juhu parliament. The ruckus that ensued inside this parliament resembled a chaotic Rajya Sabha filled with loud, old uncles and aunties; but more on that later.
I’m still trying to digest the fact that this unbelievably depressing place masquerades as a Sports Bar. Yes, you read it right. A fucking Sports Bar for crying out loud! We thought Trump becoming president was the biggest joke of 2016 but clearly, Aqua just ‘trumped’ that.
Coming to the uncles and aunties – it is difficult to fathom if these uncles and aunties come here to have nice social drinking outings, or whether they come here to drown their aristocratic sorrows and frustrations. Though crowded to full capacity, not one person looked genuinely happy to be there. Doesn’t this p
lace increasingly sound like a fun place to be? Oh hang on – it gets better!
What’s the one thing that invariably gets picked on in any bar or restaurant? Waiters! The waiters here are so confused, it made us feel that the poor chaps are still coming to terms with demonetization. So when you go about ordering your drink, that bloke taking your order is probably simultaneously thinking about which ATM to go try his luck at after his employer relieves him… it’s the only logical explanation to his dumbfounded and worrisome demeanor!
The bartenders look like government officials here, least interested to serve you. It’s like they have been stationed there only to stare at the LCD screens, the only people making the owners believe that this is indeed a Sports Bar.
The Leakers don’t usually give a fuck about food when liquor is the only objective, but Aqua deserves special mention for making their Chicken Kebab and Chicken Angara look like identical twins, only to be separated by different proportions of salt. Since the waiter is already loaded with problems thanks to our government’s new policy, we didn’t bother sending him back with the order to add to his woes. Told you, we don’t give a fuck about food.
Every unfortunate thing on the face of the earth has a silver lining, and Aqua’s silver lining comes in the form of cheap daaru. We can vouch for the fact that not one place in Juhu that feels as high-end as this, can offer alcohol at such ridiculously subsidized prices. Club membership bitches!
Moral of the story – make friends with a rich Juhu person if you want to feel exclusive, but having said that, this Aqua is still not worth taking a swim. I just lost all ties with my Juhu friend after this, especially since I’ve expressed so much love towards his tribe, but I guess the purpose of his existence was limited to taking me to this aquatic disaster. Yikes!
Where? Plot No. U-13, N. S. Road No. 13, Opp. Juhu Bus Depot, JVPD Scheme, Juhu
