At some point in our lives, we’ve all had to pretend that we aren’t as drunk as we actually are. Be it in front of friends who keep trying to take away our shots to our parents before our mothers start their waterworks, it’s been a long journey. But being a connoisseur of the finer things in life, aka alcohol, we’ve managed to perfect the best ways to look sober when we aren’t at all.
Don’t cry: There are different levels of drunk crying – the one where you open up after ingesting some liquid courage, the one where your lost loves are brought up, the one where you thank all your friends for being there and the last stage is just bawling over cute puppies. Avoid any and all of these conversations, because if you shed a single tear, you’ve already outed yourself as drunk. Instead, talk about stuff that couldn’t even veer towards emotions like clowns and what kind of wood is the best.
Talk in gibberish on a regular basis: One of the biggest giveaways of a drunk person is the incoherent rambling. You cannot expect people to believe you when you say you aren’t drunk but the words leaving your mouth are just animal mating sounds. The perfect solution for this would be to sound slightly unintelligible at all times, even if you’re stone cold sober. Make people’s lives harder so that your drunken nights are easier.
Have whisper conversations: In the same vein, there’s another way to make your conversations sound like you’ve never touched liquor in your life. If someone asks you a question just whisper back a reply and point disgustedly at the sound system. It doesn’t matter if you just said something absurd to a simple yes-or-no question. Blame the DJ for everything and just look annoyed. Nothing says you are sober like making generic pointed critiques that literally everyone makes at least once at every party.
Don’t shut your eyes: No, we’re serious. You know that sweet spot between your 4th and 5th shot where you’re on a happy high and there are no chances of you passing out? Yeah, well, post the 6th shot even a really long blink could leave you sprawled on a couch, and there’s a strong possibility it’ll take longer than 12 hours to see you again. The only way you can beat this is by never shutting your eyes at all. It doesn’t matter if people feel uncomfortable around you as you manically stare at them, at least you’re awake and ‘sober’.
Don’t get hurt: This is the most difficult of the many ways you can look sober. Drunk people have a tendency of having no self-preservation skills at all. It could be a wall, a table, the toilet, an old lady – you will definitely walk into them. So if… actually WHEN you fall, just look behind you, offended like somebody else tried to trip you. If you come back from the washroom evidently hurt, just make up a wild story about how you got into a fistfight with your high school bully. It works, trust us.
