Diwali can be a harrowing experience for you and your loved ones. You could be spending it alone, like me, or spending it with your near and dear ones, but it’s usually equally horrifying. In these times of need, alcohol definitely needs to come to the rescue.
Visiting extended family: Extended family, extended family’s cousins, their cousin’s pets, and their pet’s children – these are all the people you’ll be visiting and handing sweets to. You will probably be bombarded with questions about your career, love life and oh so much more, and all you can do is smile and nod. Taking a swig of a miniature vodka is the only thing that can make these next few days bearable.
Card parties: If you belong to the elite clan of Indians that hosts actual Diwali parties and play taash with actual money involved – congratulations, I’m avoiding you. How is gambling wrong unless it’s the day Ram returned home, allegedly? I’ll need alcohol just to come to terms with the fact that you all have money just lying around to throw away in some silly games while I’m trying to figure out what vegetable I can afford by the end of the month.
Crackers, the fucking crackers: Call me a party-pooper, but am I literally the only person who absolutely detests the ‘boom, boom’, ‘shyoooo boom crackle’ of crackers and fireworks? How does anyone deal with one continuous week of mini heart attacks and zero sleep without ingesting many liquor-laced drinks, I’ll never know.
Homecoming: The prodigal son/daughter gifting their time to their parents for Diwali is a real thing and it is excruciatingly painful. Your parents will spend at least one full day asking you why you’ve lost weight, if you’ve been eating right, why your clothes have holes in them and why you can’t stay longer than three days. The only way to stop them is sit them down with some rum and actually have a conversation instead of a police interrogation.
Being lonely: Whatever you say, being alone on Diwali sucks big time. You become instantly nostalgic of home, even if home means dozens of neighbourhood aunties commenting on your salwar kameez. Drinking eases home-sickness like nothing else. Order yourself a pizza, binge-watch some shitty sitcoms, dress up and pour yourself ample red wine – in short, treat yo’self.
